Songs for him

When we were a couple we sent us songs.....in my case they always expressed how I felt.and well now more than ever these words need to be written down by me.....I still feel all these words for him <3

"......I only wanna make it good, so if I love u a little more than I should,
Please forgive me I don't know what I do....Dont deny me this pain I am going through.......Please forgive me I can't stop loving you....."
-Bryan Adams/Please forgive me-

"...If u leave me now u take away the biggest part of me.......And if u leave me now u take away the very heart of me......"
-Chicago/If u leave me now-

".....How can I love when I am afraid to fall?.....I have died every day waiting for u, darling don't be afraid I have loved u for a thousand years, I love u for a thousand more.....Every breath, every hour has come to this, one step closer......."
-Christina Perri/Thousand years-

"...Long before u came I knew somehow life would bring me you........I love u more than words can say, I love u there's no other way.......For the first time I've come home, I have found my fate.......
-Fady Maloouf/Blessed-

"....I'm not a perfect person, there are many things I wish I didn't do.......That I just want u to know I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new and the reason is YOU...."
-Hoobastank/Reason-

"....I wont give up on us even if the skies gets rough, I am giving u all of my love......"
-Jason Mraz/I wont give up-

"....I wanna feel this way longer than time........I wanna change the world only for u, all the impossible I wanna do.....I wanna kiss ur smile and feel ur pain, I know whats beautiful looking at u, here in a world of lies u are the truth......Everytime you touch me I become a hero....."
-Julio Iglesias & Dolly Parton/When u tell me that u love me-

".....And I wonder if I ever cross ur mind for me it happens all the time.....I'm all alone and I need u now, said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need u now......and I don't know how I can do without, I just need u now..."
-Lady Antebellum/Need you now-

".....Caught up in this moment, caught up in ur smile.......Never opened up to anyone......We don't need to rush this let's just take it slow, just a kiss on ur lips in the moonlight....I don't wanna mess this thing up nor I wanna push too far........"
-Lady Antebellum/Just a kiss-

"......I love how u love me, forever and a day u can trust me, just believe I love how u love me....I love how u love me no matter what will be u can trust me, eternally I love how u love me....."
-Melanie Thornton/I love how u love me-

"...You are my destiny, you are what u are to me, u are my happiness that's what u are.....You are my sweet caress, u share my loneliness, u are my dream come true....."
-Paul Anka/You are my destiny-

"...Nothing u confess could make me love u less.....I'll stand by you, I'll stand by u.......If u may get mad, dont hold it all inside come on and talk to me now, hey what u got to hide I get angry too, well I am a lot like u....when u are standing at the crossroads and don't know which path to choose, let me come along cos even if u are wrong...I'll stand by you...."
-Pretenders/I'll stand by u-

".....Hold, hold me for a while, before the morning takes u away....can u imagine how I'll miss ur touch and ur kiss, short moments of time we have left, to share our love...."
-Rednex/Hold-

"......I wanna stand with u on a mountain, I wanna bath with u in the sea, I wanna lay like this forever, until the sky falls down on me......."
-Savage Garden/Truly Madly Deeply-

"....Once in a lifetime u look in someones eyes, it feels like the world stops turning at once, thats what it felt like for me, I knew right away this days would be, standing together living forever was there in our reach...as love is my witness I swear i'll be with u till the end, nothing can tear this love apart I put my hand upon my heart, this is the promise I make to u, whatever comes we'll see it through.......We both know sorrow we have known heartache......but that brought us closer, it brought us together so that we know the real thing that's why I can say...."
-Westlife/As love is my witness-

"....I wasn't meant to love like this without u, cos when I look at my life how the pieces fall into place, it just wouldn't rhyme without u, when I see how my path seem to end up before ur face, the state of my heart the place where we are was written in the stars...."
-Westlife/Written in the stars-

"....Share my life take me for what I am cos I never change all my colors for u...........I'll never ask for too much just all that u are and everything that u do, I don't really need to look very much further I don't wanna have to go where u don't follow.........Don't make me close one more door I don't wanna hurt anymore stay in my arms if u dare or must I imagine u there, dont walk away from me. I have nothing, nothing, nothing if I don't have u!....U break down my walls with the strength of ur love..."
-Whitney Houston/I have nothing-

"..I know that when u look at me there is so much that u just don't see.........can't u see the hurt in me I feel so all alone, I wanna run to u, I wanna run to u, wont u hold me in ur arms and keep me safe from harm.......But if I come to u, tell me will u stay or will u run away?....."
-Whitney Houston/Run to you-

Ich liebe dich/I love you/Je t'aime/Te quiero/Ti amo

Yes, i do....

dedicated to my true Love

Many ppl told me I should let go, I even told that myself.
And yes I really think I should.
I am the only one who wants this relationship I guess.
I am the one who fights for it AGAIN.
But even though I know I should stop, I should move on and I should let him go, I just can't.
The reason is simple: I love him.
He was my first real love and he is my true love.
I can't imagine life without him and honestly I dont even want to.
I wont tell our whole story here, I know he wouldn't want me to and actually it doesn't matter.
Yes we had bad fights, bad times!
BUT we also had good times, perfect times full of Love, Laughter and Happiness.
I can truly say I never felt as good as when I was with him.
I know everything, our past, our mental conditions, our age, is against us but we made it through...
Well he left me for the second time a week ago, yes many of u will think WTF? is she that stupid to chase him after he left her again?
Yes I may appear needy or like I just can't let go.
But I don't care.
Right now I have to write this post.
He lives in AUS and I live in AT, we are far apart which is also a reason why we had bad fights.
It's not easy at all to have a relationship when u are not together in person.
I never wanted to have a long distance one but I couldn't help it.
I fell for him.
Last year he was here for 8 weeks, the best ones of my life even with crap happening.
It's hard to explain true love u know?
It's just there without any reason, while logic says NO that's not gonna work.
At the moment he ignores me and I am the one who looks at his page to see if he is okay, I just wanna know that nothing bad happened to him u know?
It hurts badly to see comments from him and to know he is not a part of my life any longer.
Last time when he ended it I was chasing him, I wrote posts and even made him a collage on his birthday, also a video...
I did everything to get him back.
And yes finally we got together again.
Again I was full of hope even though this pain of being left will always be there and yeah I always doubted his love for me and after he ended it it was even harder to believe, cos how can u leave someone if u love them?
But anyway, slowly I started building trust again, slowly I allowed myself to look forward to his next visit, slowly I allowed myself to think again of a future together ......
But yeah sadly last week he left me again, I hate that we are not together in person cos then I at least could have it clarified. It's hard to be left but even harder if it happens via internet.
So well I shouldn't chase him again.......I feel like a stalker and very cheap.
The same way I felt last time.
Cos if a person loves u, truly loves u, u shouldn't have to chase the person right?
I know that but can't help it, I love him and I just want this.
I can't understand why it doesn't work........
I can't understand how he can say he loves me and then leaves me while insulting me?
We both have our shitty past.
We both have mental conditions.
But this guy is the only one I want, I don't care about what is against us or what ppl say to this.
I even defended it when I had a fight last week with my mum.
He is the only one for me.
I just want to know why he can leave me so easily.......
I want to have him back, but this time for a lifetime.
I even had the wish to work(which is a big step for me as I have mental conditions and can't work)
I was willing to do what I can to get a job so we could start our own life here in AT.
So the government would allow him to stay.
But even though he said he wants that too, he left me and just ignores me.
I couldn't do that cos I love him so much and miss him badly, it is like I am not complete without him..
Well actually I am not, cos he is my other half.
Without him I just exist, I do try to fight and move on, I try working on my books and such.
But with him it was different, all made sense.......
He was my main reason for all I have done.
Without him it's just like........well existing as I said.
I can't do anything to get him back....
U can't force anyone to stay or love u, I know that....but pls can anyone tell me how to stop loving him, when there are all this memories in my heart and mind? not the bad ones but the good ones?
From when I called him my hero? From when I felt so safe in his arms?
From when I felt truly loved and accepted the way I am, for the first time in my life?
I achieved so much when I was with him, he always said I did it and not him, but I know for a fact that without him I would have never done some things, but I did them for him as well, to show him how much he means to me and to show him how serious I am with this love!
I wish I could just take a plane and fly to him and look him in the eyes, so I would finally know if he loves me or not....
I wish I would wake up and he would be here...
I wish he would fight for me but he doesn't....and that should show me he doesn't love me....
I wish he would call me, or make a video...I wish he would SMS me and tell me he has the ticket for the flight to me..
As he did last year, I still can remember how nervous I was when he came over in march(first we said we meet in may but then he couldn't wait)
I remember the first time I saw him in person at that bus station and how amazed I was.
I know what I thought,.that he looks amazing and I wanna run away cos I am ugly and fat.
I remember when he waved at me and I waved back.......when he saw me and smiled, when I gave him a hug and he hold me tight.
He took my face in his hands and looked at me, he gave me a kiss....I was overwhelmed and just thought noooo thats too soon, but it felt so good and we kissed each other for a few seconds..
It was perfect, we even used our tongues :)
He actually gave me my first real kiss....(cos the one I got from a 10 year old when I was 11, doesn't count, and a forced one in 2009 doesnt either)
And it felt so normal, so right, like we would have done it for years.
I was so shy, when we sat in the car to drive to where I live with my parents we held hands, and he talked and I couldn't say anything I was so amazed and it felt like a dream.
But everything was so easy with him, everything felt so right.
Watching TV, going out (yes me with socialphobia), sleeping in the same room, cuddling, kissing, eating together.
It felt like home.
I do know that I am difficult at times as well.
I know I am too dependant on my mum(due to my childhood) and I also was on him, cos I was so afraid to lose him, he was actually my family, the most important person in my life.
I guess he even thinks now that what I feel is only co-dependancy but it's not, cos I do live without him.
I don't kill myself or such but I want him in my life!
I am not dependant on anyone anymore!
I just love and miss him.
I want to spend my life with him!
Every second!
That's not dependancy thats love! Why can't he see that?
Maybe because he doesn't love me`?
I don't know.........
I wish he would read this but he wont, especially because he doesn't like such long texts
But I just had to write it down.
I am not co dependant or such......I just want him to love me as much as I love him, I want him to move to me(like he promised) so we can have our own life even though I know how hard that would be for him....cos he has kids there.
He said he finally accepts the fact he can't be with them, but he can be with me and thats what he wants!
I believed him.....
even after he first time he left me I believed when he said he wants to move to me if there is any chance to be allowed to stay.......
And now? What shall I do?
I can't do anything......I did everything I could.
Now it's up to him......
If he reads  this post,  this is for him:
I love you baby, please come back and actually stay with me, I will give us another chance(I guess it's the third one), I don't care what others say.
I do want u to be healthy( u know what I am talking about), I want u to know I will always love and support u if u let me.
I promise to start new with my trust in u and let the past be past, it will be hard for me and sometimes it will just overwhelm me, but I promise to do my best!
I want u, I want our love and I want a future with u!
If u still love me and want the same, just let us try it again!
Because if u still love me u don't want us to be apart for ever....
If u love me u will fight for this as much as I do.
If u love me u will come back to me I know that..
If not...please know that I will keep my memories and u will always be my first love!
Thank u for the experiences and ur love and ur support....
Sometimes I felt like u gave me too less love and support but I do know that when u did I felt so safe and loved and that is something I thought I'd never experience! Thank u for that!
Ich liebe dich mein Schatz <3

True Heroes! And some thoughts about my true love!

Yes they exist.
Everywhere you can find them u just have to look around and get to know ppl.
I saw a lot of TV shows where they show some of them, also there are heaps of inspiring videos on Youtube.
Right now I will only mention a little girl and her mum, but I dedicate this post to all the fighters out there!
Stay strong!

Fiona-Melina  Oertl, a few months ago :)

Well a year ago I saw this TV show called Extraordinary ppl (german television) and yes there I saw this little girl called Fiona-Melina, she is pretty she is loveable BUT also she has a very rare health condition. Only 4 ppl ever suffered from it. She is the only one who still lives.
I will post the episode, it's in german but I just want u to actually "meet" her.
This little girl has become 4 years last december.
Doctors said she wont become older than 2,5 years.
Imagine what a horrible diagnosis that was for the parents and the family.
Yvonne, Fionas mum, never gave up on her daughter, she is only 27 but she is one of the strongest ppl I ever saw.
Fiona suffers from Partial monosomy 9p(Chromosome 9, Partial Monosomy 9p is a rare chromosomal disorder in which there is deletion (monosomy) of a portion of the 9th chromosome. Characteristic symptoms and findings include mental retardation; distinctive malformations of the skull and facial (craniofacial) region, such as an abnormally shaped forehead (i.e., trigonocephaly), upwardly slanting eyelid folds (palpebral fissures), and unusually flat midfacial regions (midfacial hypoplasia); structural malformations of the heart (congenital heart defects); genital defects in affected males and females; and/or additional physical abnormalities. In most cases, Chromosome 9, Partial Monosomy 9p appears to result from spontaneous (de novo) errors very early in embryonic development that occur for unknown reasons (sporadically).)
Still Fiona is one of the true heroes, she learned to walk, she can speak a little, she laughs a lot and most of all she gives true unconditional love!
She had a dolphin therapy which helped her much, when they were there in Turkey she immediately screamed less(she tended to scream for 10 hours a day), she laughed a lot and had a good time with her mum and her grandfather.
This only happened because many ppl donated money for it.
Which shows that there are ppl who actually care for others and that makes me think that maybe the world isn't lost. There is still humanity on this planet!!!
So of course if u can donate pls do so, even only a euro, it helps definitely.
Of course i know there are many ppl who need help and money.
If I could I would donate for them all, seriously.
So yes I only talked about Fiona, I want her to be known as the hero she is.
I want ppl to actually care for others!
And well when I saw the episode for the first time last year, I had a big fight with my then fiancee, and after I saw it I just asked myself "Why do we have to complicate our lives"? "Why do we hurt the ppl we love when we should be thankful that we have them?" When we should enjoy every little second we have with them? 
Today well it's the same thought but sadly he is no longer my fiancee.
Anyway I love him and miss him but that's not where the focus should be in this post so I just think I(and many others of u) should be thankful for the Life I have been given.
It's not always easy, as u know I have been through a lot and still my life is very hard to deal with.
BUT ppl like this little girl make me see that I have to be thankful that I am mostly healthy and that I am alive.
We all should keep that to our mind, especially when we have fights with our loved ones, just think twice if it's really necessary to put so much in those fights and endless discussions, if u should keep on with the fight when u better should enjoy the time together.
I am sad that my true love wont read this but I do hope that one day at least I can be thankful that I had him even though it was only for a year.
Yes I admit I doubted a lot of things he said or did and yes due to circumstances I do now as well, but inside there is this little voice that tells me I should believe in things he said, I should believe that he actually loved me, even though I don't love myself. I should believe that it was just not meant to be, that we have too much to deal with on our own so we can't stay in this relationship, I shouldn't think that he played a game and I was a fool. So yes I do believe in his love he had for me as good as I can 
I always called him "my hero" , yes we had very bad times and lot of shit happening in our past(when we werent together), also when we were a couple.
BUT he gave me back my will to live, he showed me even though I had troubles with believing it, that I am worthy!
When I looked in his eyes I saw that I was loved and no one can ever take that memory from me.
So I better stop now cos I am crying, I really miss him, but u can't force anyone to stay with u or to love u.
Sometimes it doesn't matter what u feel, you have to let go!
Anyway please always support other ppl.
Show them that the world is still full of Humanity and Love, show them that not every person is only selfabsorbed and egoistic.
To all the fighters, survivors and heroes: Please always stay strong, we will make it 
Fiona-Melina(the video)

Let's make the World a better place!!!

I am in this world since 23 years and what I have been through and what I've seen makes me think that maybe it would have been better to never have been born.
BUT I am here and so I will try to make this world a bit better.
Everyone wants to do something that will stay in everyones mind after we are long gone, that is not my goal, my goal is to reach ppl to encourage them, so we can ALL make something that will never be forgotten!

The sad thing is that most of the ppl nowadays only care about money, looks and Power.
But I do know there are others, who have pure hearts full of Love!
With this post I want to speak to all!

We have to wake up and see that this world is a gift! We should treat it as that!
We have to start living WITH and FOR the planet, NOT against it!
All of us, the tiniest little ant, need to stand together!

This is the world we live in!
And let's be honest it could be a much better place for many of us, right?
So then let us stand up and stand together, united as one!

There is no space for racism, hatred, arrogance, ignorance and Stupidity.
We have to stop judging others by their skin color, religion, looks, relationship status, age, money, gender!
We have to respect each other!
We are all living creatures so we all have rights.
And as human beings we have the right but also the duty to make this world a better world!
We also have the rights of our own opinions, religion and thoughts!
We should only judge people by their character and actions!

There is so much pain in this world! So much hunger!
Not only for food but also for respect, love and PEACE!
Imagine what we could all achieve if we would just wake up, open our eyes and actually SEE!
We have to start caring for others not only for ourselves!

We are all in this together!
WE ARE THE WORLD!
We can make it happen!
Let us make the World, OUR World, the world we have been given, a better place for ALL!
We need to make a change, before it is too late!
WE ARE THE WORLD!(best song to keep this post to ur mind!)

Britney Spears I'll never stop loving you lyrics

I will never stop loving him, but sometimes that doesnt matter and u have to let go........

JUST A FOOL (Video Lyrics) - Christina Aguilera

......................without words.........

Standing up for People with mental health conditions!!!

Okay, i decided to make this post due to my current situation and because i want to help other ppl who suffer from depressions etc.
I do wanna make a post where it will be all about me and my conditions. But this one is for all of you who suffer from mental health conditions.
As we all know this can happen to everyone on the planet but still many ppl just don't think it exists or they just don't wanna see it.
I think we(all of us who have depressions and such or had them) need to support each other and stand up for each other, so the world actullay sees that we exist, that we suffer, that we fight and that we are not less worthy than "healthy" ppl.
We all know there are diseases and conditions that are worse than ours, like cancer, AIDS etc.
We all want that this diseases can be cured one day.
And in my case I do want to support them all as well.
But I do think that mental health conditions aren't that much noticed, many ppl think it's just a fake, and sadly many ppl use those conditions to just hide how lazy they are and yeah fake those things.
BUT I also know there are thousands who suffer from depressions, borderline, panic attacks, domestic violence, sexual abusement etc. and I wont give up to fight for them and with them till the day all the ppl in the world respect them, we are NOT Liars nor Fakers!
WE HAVE PROBLEMS! WE NEED HELP AND SUPPORT!
Also all should know by now, that mental health conditions are not contagious so why treat us like infected ppl?
Guess what I came across alot of ppl with depressions and such and yeah there are good ppl under them as well as bad ones but that's just how it is and how it also is when ppl are "healthy"
Actually I think most of the ppl who at least suffered once from such a condition are stronger and more helpful and understanding then those who never experienced such things.
I dont wanna judge anyone, I don't say every "healthy" person is mean.
I just think we, the ones with problems, need to be respected and treated like human beings, because we are!
I think I am gonna do some more posts like that and hope the word will be spread so that one day we don't have to be ashamed of telling others we have depressions, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks etc.
THE WORLD NEEDS TO WAKE UP AND REALLY SEE THINGS! Not just pretend to see them!
P.S: I decide to call US AtoZ-FIGHTERS! you wanna know why? cos there are so many of us with different conditions from A-Z sooo :)

Suffering from Love........

"........I' d hope u see my face and that u be reminded that for me it isn't over........."
-Adele/Someone like you-


".....I never wanna see u unhappy, I thought u want the same for me....."
-A fine frenzy/Almost Lover-


"...Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind. Where do I go?...You were my first love, you were my true love. From the first kisses to the very last rose....Never look back we said, how was I to know I'd miss u so....."
-Britney Spears/From the bottom of my broken heart-


"....You've changed my life completely, I am touched by your love, even if I never see you again...."
-WET WET WET/if i never see you again-

."....All the things that we've been through, you should understand me like I understand you........What good is a love affair, when u can't see eye to eye......If you don't know me by now, you will never never know me...."
-Simply Red/If you dont know me by now-

"...But I dont wanna give up yet because.....Maybe u could stay a bit longer, I could try a bit harder, we could make this work.....But maybe we should stop pretending, both of us are hurting, maybe it's time to go...."
-Emeli Sande/Maybe-

."...Lately it seems the distance between us is growing too wide, I'm so afraid that u sayin its over, it's the last thing that I wanna hear, but if ur heart's not in it for real, please don't try to fake what u don't feel.....Anything u ask of my I'd do but I wont ask u to stay, I'd rather walk away if ur heart's not in it...."
-Westlife/If ur hearts not in it-

Sarah McLachlan - Angel

Giving everything, but being nothing?

Giving everything for others, going through everything for them and with them.
Support and encourage them as good as you can and what do I get?
What did I ever get for being there for ppl? Nothing! It's not that when u help others u should expect something in return because then it would be just a selfish thing.
But being always the one who ends up hurting and lonely?
Is that fair? Life isn't fair, I definitely know that........But being always the ass for everyone?
Being called selfish etc.?
That's just crap and I am soooooooo tired of it.
It feels like I have no energy left, no strength.
I just have to accept the fact that in the end it's just me, without any kind of support or love.
It's sad and scary but I just don't wanna betray myself any longer with thinking someone could ever notice and appreciate what I do. It's irony though...my life due to my mental health was always dependant to someone, whether I wanted it or not..I  always just wanted to be truly loved and accepted for who I am....and in the end I am the one always fighting, I am the one always loving and supporting.....I know it's just me in this world, I have no one...And even though I know this, it's so damn hard to accept and move on......especially now that I have no idea where to get new strength from..I am tired of this life only full of struggles and pain.
I do know there are ppl who have way more to deal with but u know what?
I just don't wanna hear it.
I am a caring, helping, person but why the hell no one cares for me?
What the hell did I do to deserve constantly being treated like shit by ppl I love and whom I want to love me as well?
Well everyone thinks they can treat me they way they want, but now that's over.
I just can't do it any longer.
I do know now I gotta fight on my own and for myself only.
I do have my limits and believe me I went further than them but one day it's just well there is no way further.
It's the end, the end of my strength.
I experienced nothing but pain in this world and in the end when I thought I finally found someone it again hurt me but this time it, well, simply broke me......Maybe some ppl will say this sounds like I am a martyr or something well guess what? I don't give a damn, this is my heart speaking you know? Every person has limits and mine have been reached years ago.....

Me on FLICKR

https://www.flickr.com/photos/109226153@N05/ 

Look at the pictures, all taken by me :)

The difference between Daydreams

So much happened and still happens.
Sadly I never find the time to write here LOL. So busy.
But when I have ideas for blogposts I write them down and will definitely post them one day :)
So now to the subject DAYDREAMS I think we all have or had them.
So here is the difference between the two kinds of Daydreams :)
The first kind of Daydreams are the ones where we know we will never be able to achieve/experience them like me dreaming about having a big house with my own library, TV room and pool, I mean sure I could win in the lottery(even though I dont play it :) or I can be lucky and become famous as writer but let's be honest the chance that this happens is not that high so I know if there is no wonder happening I will never have that.
But I love to have these kind of daydreams I mean it's so cool to dive into them and be there and be happy.
I know they are not real and will never be but it's nice to know I can dream and set it as my impossible goal to reach :)
The second kind of Daydreams are those we could achieve/experience well not without a bit luck as well cos as we all know every day could be our last.
But you know what I mean.
For example one of my daydreams of that category: Me having a child :)
So I guess its obvious where the differences are :)
Dream big! ( it can never be wrong) 

My new Books, my new(and first) Bible and Me :)

My love and a crazy story to it(But all is true) Long video but yeah it shows much of me.....

New Year Resolutions and holding on to my true Love

Just a very true line from a great song.....

If you don't know me by now, you will never, never know me........

-Simply Red- 

Close your eyes and listen to this - Inspirational

This video always makes me cry its amazing!!! and very inspiring :)

First real Post since months :)

Yeaaaah I finally write something here :) I was kind of busy during the last days plus depressive because of my ex.
Anyway I do so much on my pages and all my networks and also meet new writers and yeah I guess I made a big step forward as I wanna reach my goal of being published one day.
Well I created a second blog just today where it will be only about BOOKS cos this one here will be more about well private stuff and emotions and well everything else :)
http://sasaj987.wordpress.com/

Happy, freaky ME :) LOL